Wow, it has been an amazing week spiritually! It is truly miraculous what the Lord can do when we are finally able to take ourselves out of it! I was going to start with today and work backwards, but I think it will be better to start on Wednesday and work up to today as that will probably make more sense......
As you have hopefully read in my previous blog, I have started really trying to focus on my prayer life this week (and for the rest of my life, really) and have already had some life changing encounters with The Lord On High. I truly believe that, for the first time in my life, God is fully in control. I think up to this point, I have employed God as a sort of consultant, never ever going to Him to find out what the true direction should be. It's kind of like in a business how you know what you want your company to look like and so you bring in an outside opinion to offer a different perspective but if it doesn't line up with what YOU want, you pay your fee and do what you wanted to do anyway. Obviously, this is a sin. And it is EXACTLY how I have been living my life. But on Wednesday night, I truly believe that I stepped back from the helm and let the Lord take it over. And it is beyond description, this freedom that I feel. I literally mean that I cannot find the words to describe how full my heart feels, how unstressed and clear my mind is. I don't think that I can explain to those of you who may be struggling with this what to do as it was a deeply personal experience. I am sorry in that, but every person must make their own peace with God. I will certainly pray for those of you who ask me to, that you would be able to find this peace in your own life.
Now, on to the not so pretty details.
I am utterly terrified that I am going to disappoint The Lord again. Not in such a way that it is taking away from my peace of mind, but merely that I am so very aware of how human I am and how prone to leave my King. To attempt to safe guard against this, I am literally getting out of bed in the morning, getting on my knees at my bedside, and giving my life back to Him. I do this because, like I have said many times and will say again, I know how terribly human I am and how easy it is for me to take my life back again. But I think this is part of my growth process, learning that I will never be able to say, and truly mean it forever and ever, that I give my life to you, oh Lord. There is probably far more complexity to than that but I don't know if I can accurately put it into words. .....
And on to the next epiphany I have had this week.
I went to church today for the first time in longer than is really good for me to admit, and even though the message was very good, I got something else out of it entirely. The pastor referenced something in 1st Corinthians something and I got a little sidetracked in chapter 7, Instruction on Marriage. As you probably know by now, I have a hard time with the fact that I am single (which is actually mostly beat into submission now, I think) and that God has not brought that special man into my life. But as I was reading chapter 7, I began to realize the absolute truth of a couple of things. One is that singleness truly is a gift! When am I ever again going to be able to just pick up and leave if that is what God asks me to do? When am I ever again going to give away every item in my house without a second thought if that is what God says I should do? I am so thankful that I am single right now! And I can say that honestly and without a hint of sarcasm for the first time in my life! I am SO blessed:D The second thing I realized was that the who doesn't matter so much as the what. What I mean by this is that I don't need to be looking around wondering if this great man or that great man is my future husband so much as the fact that I am glorifying God within that relationship. This is also true in any and every other aspect of my life. The where of after school doesn't matter so long as I am doing everything within my power (and the power that Christ works within me) to bring honor to my King. Fascinating, is it not? I firmly believe that God will bring me a husband, and I am excited at the prospect. But I am equally excited that I am currently single. I am also beyond thankful that God has given me more time to draw closer to Him before He brings me the distraction of a man. Praise God in His infinite wisdom!!!!!!!
I could keep going, but I will let your eyes rest until next time;)
God bless you!
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