Stupid, Silly Me

I've got something building up inside of me

Screaming for release

Held these words inside for so long; time to set them free

I desired more than I could have; it slipped away again

Held too tight, too close

You ask if I'm alone again?

I never was 

I take what I think is mine and that's what makes me ill

That's what makes me ache inside

The pattern of my rebellion is the root of all my grief

What power I think have

Prove myself a fool again; simple, simple me

I hope this time I've finally learned

Twenty-five years in the making, wonder if I even can

You broke the chains, but I like them where they are

Help me set them down, never to reclaim

Metaphor

I was doing an assignment for Senior Seminar, going through Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life", and he asked what we think the metaphor our life is. The image that popped into my head was that of valley of wild flowers after a rain storm. Here is what I got out of that.

My life is beautiful, sometimes breathtakingly so. There is no doubt that there have been times, and there will undoubtedly be again, where I have experienced pain that could shatter everything I value about myself (which is sometimes God's way of revealing truth to us, particularly us stubborn types). But does stepping, or even falling face first, into a mud puddle lessen the beauty I am surrounded by? Not in the least. Sure, it can, and does, cause me to focus on that pain for a moment, but the Lord's wonders are still there.

These wonders can be enjoyed while in the midst of them, or from the rim of the valley, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I see them. Better yet, all that matters is that I can dance in those mud puddles and in midst of the glory of God.

Life is a Balancing Act

Wow. A whole stinking month since my last post and I have, sadly, not made as much progress in my life as I would like to say that I have. I know for an absolute, indisputable fact it is because I have not been doing my "face time" with God as I should be doing. I think this is the most important part of my walk right now and I have been, sadly, neglecting it. I have been praying in the form of journaling and I have been reading my Bible, but these do not, right now, challenge me the way "face time" does. I am also lacking, still, in that area of great challenge for so many people, discipline. My goal, though it is a soft one, is to start waking up at 5 in the morning in order for me to get in all of the necessary components of my quiet time. I managed to get up at six a couple of times and I plan to just keep working backwards every couple of weeks by ten minutes until a I can get up at 5. 
  
The thing that makes it so hard for is that the more stressed I get, the more i just want to sleep.  And I can't ever go to bed before 12 or so, it just doesn't work. So I end up just not getting up in the morning. I know the Lord will sustain me, it's just really hard convincing my body of that, lol. And the more tired I am, the harder it is for me to have the desire to do, well, anything really. God is bigger than my stress and my continued battle against complacency and I will serve Him and bring Him glory, no matter my situation. Praise Him that He can work through my short comings!!! With Christ in me, I can do this. I can find the balance I so desperately need in my life. 

What God can do in under a week.

Wow, it has been an amazing week spiritually! It is truly miraculous what the Lord can do when we are finally able to take ourselves out of it! I was going to start with today and work backwards, but I think it will be better to start on Wednesday and work up to today as that will probably make more sense......


As you have hopefully read in my previous blog, I have started really trying to focus on my prayer life this week (and for the rest of my life, really) and have already had some life changing encounters with The Lord On High. I truly believe that, for the first time in my life, God is fully in control. I think up to this point, I have employed God as a sort of consultant, never ever going to Him to find out what the true direction should be. It's kind of like in a business how you know what you want your company to look like and so you bring in an outside opinion to offer a different perspective but if it doesn't line up with what YOU want, you pay your fee and do what you wanted to do anyway. Obviously, this is a sin. And it is EXACTLY how I have been living my life. But on Wednesday night, I truly believe that I stepped back from the helm and let the Lord take it over. And it is beyond description, this freedom that I feel. I literally mean that I cannot find the words to describe how full my heart feels, how unstressed and clear my mind is. I don't think that I can explain to those of you who may be struggling with this what to do as it was a deeply personal experience. I am sorry in that, but every person must make their own peace with God. I will certainly pray for those of you who ask me to, that you would be able to find this peace in your own life.


Now, on to the not so pretty details.


I am utterly terrified that I am going to disappoint The Lord again. Not in such a way that it is taking away from my peace of mind, but merely that I am so very aware of how human I am and how prone to leave my King. To attempt to safe guard against this, I am literally getting out of bed in the morning, getting on my knees at my bedside, and giving my life back to Him.  I do this because, like I have said many times and will say again, I know how terribly human I am and how easy it is for me to take my life back again. But I think this is part of my growth process, learning that I will never be able to say, and truly mean it forever and ever, that I give my life to you, oh Lord. There is probably far more complexity to than that but I don't know if I can accurately put it into words. .....


And on to the next epiphany I have had this week.


I went to church today for the first time in longer than is really good for me to admit, and even though the message was very good, I got something else out of it entirely. The pastor referenced something in 1st Corinthians something and I got a little sidetracked in chapter 7, Instruction on Marriage. As you probably know by now, I have a hard time with the fact that I am single (which is actually mostly beat into submission now, I think) and that God has not brought that special man into my life. But as I was reading chapter 7, I began to realize the absolute truth of a couple of things. One is that singleness truly is a gift! When am I ever again going to be able to just pick up and leave if that is what God asks me to do? When am I ever again going to give away every item in my house without a second thought if that is what God says I should do? I am so thankful that I am single right now! And I can say that honestly and without a hint of sarcasm for the first time in my life! I am SO blessed:D The second thing I realized was that the who doesn't matter so much as the what. What I mean by this is that I don't need to be looking around wondering if this great man or that great man is my future husband so much as the fact that I am glorifying God within that relationship. This is also true in any and every other aspect of my life. The where of after school doesn't matter so long as I am doing everything within my power (and the power that Christ works within me) to bring honor to my King. Fascinating, is it not? I firmly believe that God will bring me a husband, and I am excited at the prospect. But I am equally excited that I am currently single. I am also beyond thankful that God has given me more time to draw closer to Him before He brings me the distraction of a man. Praise God in His infinite wisdom!!!!!!!


I could keep going, but I will let your eyes rest until next time;) 


God bless you! 

Epic. Failure.

Two weeks it has been since my last post. TWO WEEKS!!! What an opportunity for growth is all I guess I can say about that; learning how hard it is for me to stick with even the simplest tasks... Le sigh.

On the up side, I actually have some things to talk about now!


To start with, I am not going to be an RA this coming year and am going to live off campus with some good buddies of mine! While I am excited about this new direction, I know that if I had taken the time to actually pray through this, I would have realized that I should be an RA. Again, growth opportunities in that I had to humble myself a bit and at least try to go down the path that God would have preferred me to take. This is an interesting topic and one that I have been discussing with a good buddy of mine quite a lot recently. My stand is that God does not make your decisions for you and that the more you live your life in a manner that is consistent with Biblical teachings, the easier it will be for the decision making to mirror the characteristics Christ desires of us. So I am trying to learn how to do just that.....


I think one of the best ways to figure out God's will is to pray. A lot and seriously. How I am undertakng this challenge is to, literally, get on my face and pray for at least a half an hour. I have, so far, only done this twice ( I started on Sunday so I am on track) and it's hard. But it is SO worth it. I can already feel a change in myself, the breaking down of walls and the loosening of the death grip I have on my life. Not to mention the fact that 30 minutes is already not enough time.

Next on this list of ideas for growth: I am on a media fast. What this looks is that I am not on FB (except to post this), I am not listening to music, and I am not watching TV or movies. I felt like I needed to do this because when I went down to pray the first night, I had a hard time being still and hearing what God might try to say to me because I kept running through the shows that I had watched and thinking about how I would have written them or acted them or whatever. Then I would switch to different songs that were stuck in my head and singing those. And it is mighty hard to hear God when you have Adele rolling in the depths of your mind (see what I did there?). And of course FB is just time consuming and really very pointless if you think about it.

I am really trying to do these things because Christ has been faithful to me and has given me stewardship over things that I have been utterly failing to be faithful with. I am such a superficial Christian and have always been terrified of going any deeper, so this is my attempt at learning to trust that God will ALWAYS be faithful. I can't even begin to explain why I don't and never really have because I'm not even entirely sure. I just know that this is not how I want to live and I have never truly believed that walking away from this relationship that started ages ago is an option.....

Well, I'll keep you all (all, what? 3-4 of you?) updated on how this goes!!

Man, nothing like a public journal to make you realize how boring your life is.

Yet another week has gone by, and I still have changed nothing. I am undecided as to whether this is because I am just a lazy, non-dedicated person, or because my life really will never change........ Either way, nothing new to report.


Just as an academic update though, I will have taken 5 tests by the end of this week. Maybe all my calendars are wrong but I didn't think finals started until the end of April...... The life of a college junior;) Prayer that I would keep my head on straight would be greatly appreciated! 


Also prayer that the Lord would just sustain me. I have this tendency to just want to sleep all of the time of when things get to crazy and this seems to have started happening again. Any suggestions on how to deal would be appreciated as well. 


So, short, sweet and to the point seems  to be the theme today! Hopefully, something will have happened by this weekend. I'll type at ya later!

The one thing I am sticking with....

Life moves much too fast for my liking. January is winding down and have not met a single goal for one whole week. In part, this is a lack of discipline. The other side of this is that there is so much else going on that I have a hard time keeping track of  certain things; mostly just the things that I want to accomplish for my own purposes. On the upside, there is a shift in me. It's like, little pieces of my heart are slowly peeling back and opening to reveal the most tender inner parts. The question is, will I allow God entry into that part? I want to, but every time I have ever let Him get close, I put up all of my defenses. My biggest weapon being apathy. I simply walk away saying that all of this was in my head, that God doesn't really want all of me. But I know that's not the truth. The truth is that I am terrified of figuring out who I really am, of letting God truly fill me and make me more and more like His son. The only thing I know is that I can keep trying.

One goal that I had in mind was to live a little, to take some chances. And I have one in mind that I am going to undertake this coming week, I'll keep you posted;)

Anyway, I need to finish some homework. Until next week readers, stay classy:p

Wow. Where did this last week go?! I mean, it has seriously just flown by. It's strange because nothing at all has happened and yet I feel as though my whole life is on the verge of changing drastically...

I'll start with the shallow stuff.
I hardly worked out (2-3 times max) this last week and on Friday I ate an entire order of stuffed cheesy bread... This is on top of the Ice Cream and other dessert type things I ate this week. I am no good at this whole no sugar thing and I am trying hard to not resign myself to just weighing 500lbs by the time I'm 30; which is coming right up I might add.
Anyway, I need to make running a part of my routine because it is much more healthy to go run a couple miles than it is to waste your weekend mornings sleeping. On top of that, it helps me focus more through out the week and helps, ya know, fight heart disease and obesity and all of that good stuff. In summation: running to fight stress=good. Sleeping to fight stress=bad. Yeah.

Now on to the not shallow stuff.

I read "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers on Wednesday night. Yes, the WHOLE thing. I am now re-reading it so that I can try to more fully comprehend the love of God for me. For whatever reason, this is the hardest thing in world for me to comprehend. The fact that God loves me no matter what I have done and wants nothing from me. If any one who reads this has some insight into this incomprehensible phenomena, please share it with those of us who cannot understand. My utter terror in life comes from the fear that I am unlovable and I feel that if I can come to even slightly grasp that GOD loves me, I believe that there is nothing that I will not be able to do, no task I cannot accomplish, no man that will be able to keep me down. But I have constructed my comfortable cage so well that without I feel vulnerable, naked, and more alone than I do with those familiar walls all around me.
I believe that part of the problem stems also from the fear that I don't know who I would be without those walls. For what felt like ages, I fought to know who I am and or was. Now I can see that that person was not who God intended. So I have to step out yet again to learn who I TRULY am. And this person, whoever she is, cannot live in a cage for the rest of her life and still do the work God has intended for her.
The stubbornness and fear of the current and old me fights every step of the way to stay inside. The new and future me knows that the cage must be utterly destroyed in order for her to wholly take root and grow. Old me runs interference at every turn and new idea, grasping at the familiar with the grip of the desperate and the dead, never seeing that she is just that, dead.

Week One

The first week of school was somewhat uneventful, although it managed to be completely insane at the same time. I put in 20 hours (yay money!) at the coffee shop where I work and managed to get all of my RA duties, and homework done. Unfortunately, this also meant that I was in bed until 11 or later today and yesterday... Oops!
As far as my not resolutions resolutions have gone, they could have been better. I did work out 3 times but when you are shooting for 5 it doesn't seem that great. Sugar and I are having a slow, drawn out break up. I just can't seem to make a clean break. Any suggestions on how to do so would be greatly appreciated!!
The most important nonresolution I made has been the one that I have hardly thought of. My personal quiet time.  I know that this is the most beneficial and life changing one that I have made, but my humanness just cannot seem to grasp this concept. I long to have an intimacy with God because that is the way that I, and every person on this planet, have been created. But I would rather try and fill this space in me with everything else. I guess I have trouble grasping something that I have never truly known, I mean, I can only see that which is around me and that I can see and touch. I am too logical to say that I have seen the face of God in the little things, like the mighty thunderstorm or the sounds an infant makes. Because of this, I can say that I am a perfect human being. Think about it. Who but humans would be given the opportunity to walk with their Almighty Creator and choose to not? This is why I am a deeply lonely person. I choose to ignore the God who satisfies in an attempt to fill myself. I pray (or at least I will try to) that I will allow my God to fill me and that I can truly learn to trust Him for the first time in my life.

Kimi Reed: The Remake

I have learned several things about myself in the last year or so that I can't say that I like all that much. For one thing, I try to do things on my own rather than rely on my Lord to handle them all. Pride, what can I say? Another (and be aware this is slightly pathetic and starkly honest, but it is not me whining, just stating some facts) is that I am deeply lonely. I have many friends and have been blessed with a great family which is why this bothers me, pure and simple. That and I perceive it as weakness;) Basically, it ALL comes back to pride for me and I want to make it right with my Lord.
Aside from this, I want to be healthy. I am currently 185lbs and can hardly run a mile. This is all going to change. God gave me this body to take care of and I am going to do it. I may be starting a bit late, but, you know what they say. I need to start taking care of myself so that I can have a sustainable lifestyle. Basically, I want energy levels that will raise my quality of life. I am starting this off by foregoing sugar for the four months (gulp), drinking more water, and running more. It's gonna be all about the cardio for the next two months. http://ittybitsofbalance.com/2011/07/13/beginners-running-interval-treadmill-workout/ <------- That's the website I am going to use for my running. As far as food goes, I am going to try and eat a lot of fruits and veggies and whole grains. I am not going to limit my food intake for the most part as that has only ever led me to failure.
Personally, I am going to let God lead me to be more loving. Because I have a hard time not being somewhat harsh, and really just petty.
I really believe there is more to life than what I have been doing with it and I am going to figure out what it is. No resolutions have I made, this is me simply taking charge of my life, by turning it over to God, lol.
Bear with me while I bare my life. Literally.