Life moves much too fast for my liking. January is winding down and have not met a single goal for one whole week. In part, this is a lack of discipline. The other side of this is that there is so much else going on that I have a hard time keeping track of certain things; mostly just the things that I want to accomplish for my own purposes. On the upside, there is a shift in me. It's like, little pieces of my heart are slowly peeling back and opening to reveal the most tender inner parts. The question is, will I allow God entry into that part? I want to, but every time I have ever let Him get close, I put up all of my defenses. My biggest weapon being apathy. I simply walk away saying that all of this was in my head, that God doesn't really want all of me. But I know that's not the truth. The truth is that I am terrified of figuring out who I really am, of letting God truly fill me and make me more and more like His son. The only thing I know is that I can keep trying.
One goal that I had in mind was to live a little, to take some chances. And I have one in mind that I am going to undertake this coming week, I'll keep you posted;)
Anyway, I need to finish some homework. Until next week readers, stay classy:p
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Wow. Where did this last week go?! I mean, it has seriously just flown by. It's strange because nothing at all has happened and yet I feel as though my whole life is on the verge of changing drastically...
I'll start with the shallow stuff.
I hardly worked out (2-3 times max) this last week and on Friday I ate an entire order of stuffed cheesy bread... This is on top of the Ice Cream and other dessert type things I ate this week. I am no good at this whole no sugar thing and I am trying hard to not resign myself to just weighing 500lbs by the time I'm 30; which is coming right up I might add.
Anyway, I need to make running a part of my routine because it is much more healthy to go run a couple miles than it is to waste your weekend mornings sleeping. On top of that, it helps me focus more through out the week and helps, ya know, fight heart disease and obesity and all of that good stuff. In summation: running to fight stress=good. Sleeping to fight stress=bad. Yeah.
Now on to the not shallow stuff.
I read "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers on Wednesday night. Yes, the WHOLE thing. I am now re-reading it so that I can try to more fully comprehend the love of God for me. For whatever reason, this is the hardest thing in world for me to comprehend. The fact that God loves me no matter what I have done and wants nothing from me. If any one who reads this has some insight into this incomprehensible phenomena, please share it with those of us who cannot understand. My utter terror in life comes from the fear that I am unlovable and I feel that if I can come to even slightly grasp that GOD loves me, I believe that there is nothing that I will not be able to do, no task I cannot accomplish, no man that will be able to keep me down. But I have constructed my comfortable cage so well that without I feel vulnerable, naked, and more alone than I do with those familiar walls all around me.
I believe that part of the problem stems also from the fear that I don't know who I would be without those walls. For what felt like ages, I fought to know who I am and or was. Now I can see that that person was not who God intended. So I have to step out yet again to learn who I TRULY am. And this person, whoever she is, cannot live in a cage for the rest of her life and still do the work God has intended for her.
The stubbornness and fear of the current and old me fights every step of the way to stay inside. The new and future me knows that the cage must be utterly destroyed in order for her to wholly take root and grow. Old me runs interference at every turn and new idea, grasping at the familiar with the grip of the desperate and the dead, never seeing that she is just that, dead.
I'll start with the shallow stuff.
I hardly worked out (2-3 times max) this last week and on Friday I ate an entire order of stuffed cheesy bread... This is on top of the Ice Cream and other dessert type things I ate this week. I am no good at this whole no sugar thing and I am trying hard to not resign myself to just weighing 500lbs by the time I'm 30; which is coming right up I might add.
Anyway, I need to make running a part of my routine because it is much more healthy to go run a couple miles than it is to waste your weekend mornings sleeping. On top of that, it helps me focus more through out the week and helps, ya know, fight heart disease and obesity and all of that good stuff. In summation: running to fight stress=good. Sleeping to fight stress=bad. Yeah.
Now on to the not shallow stuff.
I read "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers on Wednesday night. Yes, the WHOLE thing. I am now re-reading it so that I can try to more fully comprehend the love of God for me. For whatever reason, this is the hardest thing in world for me to comprehend. The fact that God loves me no matter what I have done and wants nothing from me. If any one who reads this has some insight into this incomprehensible phenomena, please share it with those of us who cannot understand. My utter terror in life comes from the fear that I am unlovable and I feel that if I can come to even slightly grasp that GOD loves me, I believe that there is nothing that I will not be able to do, no task I cannot accomplish, no man that will be able to keep me down. But I have constructed my comfortable cage so well that without I feel vulnerable, naked, and more alone than I do with those familiar walls all around me.
I believe that part of the problem stems also from the fear that I don't know who I would be without those walls. For what felt like ages, I fought to know who I am and or was. Now I can see that that person was not who God intended. So I have to step out yet again to learn who I TRULY am. And this person, whoever she is, cannot live in a cage for the rest of her life and still do the work God has intended for her.
The stubbornness and fear of the current and old me fights every step of the way to stay inside. The new and future me knows that the cage must be utterly destroyed in order for her to wholly take root and grow. Old me runs interference at every turn and new idea, grasping at the familiar with the grip of the desperate and the dead, never seeing that she is just that, dead.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Week One
The first week of school was somewhat uneventful, although it managed to be completely insane at the same time. I put in 20 hours (yay money!) at the coffee shop where I work and managed to get all of my RA duties, and homework done. Unfortunately, this also meant that I was in bed until 11 or later today and yesterday... Oops!
As far as my not resolutions resolutions have gone, they could have been better. I did work out 3 times but when you are shooting for 5 it doesn't seem that great. Sugar and I are having a slow, drawn out break up. I just can't seem to make a clean break. Any suggestions on how to do so would be greatly appreciated!!
The most important nonresolution I made has been the one that I have hardly thought of. My personal quiet time. I know that this is the most beneficial and life changing one that I have made, but my humanness just cannot seem to grasp this concept. I long to have an intimacy with God because that is the way that I, and every person on this planet, have been created. But I would rather try and fill this space in me with everything else. I guess I have trouble grasping something that I have never truly known, I mean, I can only see that which is around me and that I can see and touch. I am too logical to say that I have seen the face of God in the little things, like the mighty thunderstorm or the sounds an infant makes. Because of this, I can say that I am a perfect human being. Think about it. Who but humans would be given the opportunity to walk with their Almighty Creator and choose to not? This is why I am a deeply lonely person. I choose to ignore the God who satisfies in an attempt to fill myself. I pray (or at least I will try to) that I will allow my God to fill me and that I can truly learn to trust Him for the first time in my life.
As far as my not resolutions resolutions have gone, they could have been better. I did work out 3 times but when you are shooting for 5 it doesn't seem that great. Sugar and I are having a slow, drawn out break up. I just can't seem to make a clean break. Any suggestions on how to do so would be greatly appreciated!!
The most important nonresolution I made has been the one that I have hardly thought of. My personal quiet time. I know that this is the most beneficial and life changing one that I have made, but my humanness just cannot seem to grasp this concept. I long to have an intimacy with God because that is the way that I, and every person on this planet, have been created. But I would rather try and fill this space in me with everything else. I guess I have trouble grasping something that I have never truly known, I mean, I can only see that which is around me and that I can see and touch. I am too logical to say that I have seen the face of God in the little things, like the mighty thunderstorm or the sounds an infant makes. Because of this, I can say that I am a perfect human being. Think about it. Who but humans would be given the opportunity to walk with their Almighty Creator and choose to not? This is why I am a deeply lonely person. I choose to ignore the God who satisfies in an attempt to fill myself. I pray (or at least I will try to) that I will allow my God to fill me and that I can truly learn to trust Him for the first time in my life.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Kimi Reed: The Remake
I have learned several things about myself in the last year or so that I can't say that I like all that much. For one thing, I try to do things on my own rather than rely on my Lord to handle them all. Pride, what can I say? Another (and be aware this is slightly pathetic and starkly honest, but it is not me whining, just stating some facts) is that I am deeply lonely. I have many friends and have been blessed with a great family which is why this bothers me, pure and simple. That and I perceive it as weakness;) Basically, it ALL comes back to pride for me and I want to make it right with my Lord.
Aside from this, I want to be healthy. I am currently 185lbs and can hardly run a mile. This is all going to change. God gave me this body to take care of and I am going to do it. I may be starting a bit late, but, you know what they say. I need to start taking care of myself so that I can have a sustainable lifestyle. Basically, I want energy levels that will raise my quality of life. I am starting this off by foregoing sugar for the four months (gulp), drinking more water, and running more. It's gonna be all about the cardio for the next two months. http://ittybitsofbalance.com/2011/07/13/beginners-running-interval-treadmill-workout/ <------- That's the website I am going to use for my running. As far as food goes, I am going to try and eat a lot of fruits and veggies and whole grains. I am not going to limit my food intake for the most part as that has only ever led me to failure.
Personally, I am going to let God lead me to be more loving. Because I have a hard time not being somewhat harsh, and really just petty.
I really believe there is more to life than what I have been doing with it and I am going to figure out what it is. No resolutions have I made, this is me simply taking charge of my life, by turning it over to God, lol.
Bear with me while I bare my life. Literally.
Aside from this, I want to be healthy. I am currently 185lbs and can hardly run a mile. This is all going to change. God gave me this body to take care of and I am going to do it. I may be starting a bit late, but, you know what they say. I need to start taking care of myself so that I can have a sustainable lifestyle. Basically, I want energy levels that will raise my quality of life. I am starting this off by foregoing sugar for the four months (gulp), drinking more water, and running more. It's gonna be all about the cardio for the next two months. http://ittybitsofbalance.com/2011/07/13/beginners-running-interval-treadmill-workout/ <------- That's the website I am going to use for my running. As far as food goes, I am going to try and eat a lot of fruits and veggies and whole grains. I am not going to limit my food intake for the most part as that has only ever led me to failure.
Personally, I am going to let God lead me to be more loving. Because I have a hard time not being somewhat harsh, and really just petty.
I really believe there is more to life than what I have been doing with it and I am going to figure out what it is. No resolutions have I made, this is me simply taking charge of my life, by turning it over to God, lol.
Bear with me while I bare my life. Literally.
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